Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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