.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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