I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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