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I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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