I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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