if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Be still, my beating vagina.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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