Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Houston, we have a blender
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
