Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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