That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
