Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
