I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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