I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
