we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize