dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
