I just threw up on my dentist
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
