just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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