Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
