i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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