I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
