Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
