I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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