I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize