We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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