she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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