I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
