She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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