dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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