god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
