Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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