i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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