I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌ðŸ»ï¸
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