Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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