I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
