Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
