you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
