Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
