Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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