Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
We have started to decorate penises.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
