Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting married
To pizza
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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