I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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