3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
im holly from the hills drunk
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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