I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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