You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
