OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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