I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Randomize
