just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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