His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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