You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
