I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
