Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
