On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
