I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
