Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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