the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
