Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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