your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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