The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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